Tentang Kenyataan

Re-reading my old note "Tentang Rencana".
Dammit! I'm not happy you know.

I realized that it was MY plan. Not OUR plan.
Just like every other decision made in this family: they are MY decisions, so that whatever hard work required is MY responsibilities and if anything goes wrong it will be MY fault.

You don't see how lonely and resentful I've become after 4 years.
In your easy going existence you think that as long as you don't do bad, then everything is good. The big problem for me is that you don't do anything bad, but you don't do anything good either!

I've grown from single to married to being a mother.
From earning just enough for me to earning enough for a bunch of us and secure our future. From not knowing what to do in my free time to not having free time at all. But you're still the same. Doing the old things, the same old way.

Before the wedding proposal your mother questioned me whether I was sure about marrying you since you were, in her words, "no one". I thought she meant financially so I said "I can provide for both of us". But I didn't expect to be doing everything completely on my own!

Oh, hell.. I've gone through this with you enough to know that nothing will change. You will be you. And I will be me crying in the back of a taxi for/because of someone who doesn't even understand what the big deal is.

All I can say is, I deserve more and I'm getting more.